The year 2009, has been a real roller coaster ride there have been some highs and lows. I lost my best friend, my boyfriend, my man, he is gone. However, I found myself.
I have more self-confidence and belief in myself than ever before. I knew him for seven years and now he is gone. He was my safety blanket, my knight in shining
armour. I got involved with a Punjabi Sikh man. I don’t know why we crossed the line from a friendship to relationship?
I remember five years ago in his York University Ponds residence he made a sexual pass at me and I turned him down.
I guess the sexual attraction was building and finally we crossed the line multiple times.
Anyway, in the end, the situation was just very difficult and awkward. Homosexuality is still taboo in the Punjabi culture. It took me a while to understand that he is still deep in the closet.
Even though, he is out to his sisters, friends, coworkers, he still has anxieties about his sexual orientation.
I don’t know where my head was? When I think about it, this man is going to be forced into an arranged marriage with a woman by his family!
Of course, he can stand up to his family and decide to live his life on his own terms but I am sure this would be a very hard decision. I wasn’t thinking. Yes,
the sex was good, but the cold hard facts are his family controls his life and I think I resented this.
I resented the fact that we just did not have enough time together because of his family. He says that I “wanted more and more and I just can’t give you
I was wrong to expect more from him I understand this now.
In the end, we were just so cruel to each other tearing each other apart. It was becoming toxic because we were both psychologically and emotionally abusive to one another. I accept full responsiblity for my actions. It was impossible to turn back the clock. However, I realize it is not the end of the world. I will find love again one day I guess?
I have learned important lessons from this painful experience. One of the lessons I have learned is, I must never ever get involved again with a closeted gay man. A closeted gay man is not true to himself. How can someone be true to someone when he isn’t even true to himself? I understand now being out and proud is very important.
Although he protected me, whenever we were in social situations, I was too emotionally attached to him. I lost myself into his world, his problems, his family issues, his friends, his life. I realize I have my own life and my own concerns to focus on.
I never ever want to lose myself into another man’s world. I have to have my own space, my own dreams, my own goals.
One of the most important lessons, I learned in 2009 is, that my happiness is my own responsibility. The choices I make are up to me and no one else. I can only control my own behaviour I cannot control another person’s behaviour.
It took me a long time to realize that my happiness is up to me not someone else. Why did it take me so long to realize this? Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” was a real breakthrough for me. I recommend Louise Hay’s international best selling book to everyone.
I think for a very long time that I based my happiness on another person and that’s dangerous. If a person bases his happiness on another individual this gives
another person incredible power.
The cognitive behavioral therapy sessions at the Centre For Addiction & Mental Health in downtown Toronto is finally over.
The group therapy sessions started September 14th and ended December 7th 2009 and the therapy was very intense. I remember feeling embarassed that I was involved in a social phobia group at the Centre For Addiciton & Mental Health.
I was prejudiced, I thought “isn’t this the mental hospital and why am I here?” I learned a lot, I am proud that I completed the group therapy.
I admit, I am still a work in progress, but I do have hope for the future. I do want to continue being social outside of the bar and club scene. I feel the gay bar scene in Toronto is really about sex and not about building meaningful relationships with people. Of course, I am not a prude, I am not against sex, I go to bars, I visit the bathhouses.
I got to know two new people this year and although they are not gay, I am realizing having straight friends is okay.
For a long time, I lived in this gay bubble, this alternative universe where gay means everything. Of course, my sexual orientation is an important component of my life. However, my sexuality is not my entire existence.