Archive | October 2009

I Have The Flu I Am Taking A Break From Blogging.

I feel like crap I have the flu. Last night, my fever was terrible. Thank goodness I had some Tylenol and apple juice. I just don’t feel like eating right now. I can’t stand looking at food.  I am starting to feel a little bit better. I am glad I have tomorrow off!  I am just going to sit in my bed drinking juice and watch my Golden Girls DVDs.

Update: I went to the doctor this morning she says I have a low-grade fever. According to the doctor she says my chest is congested. The doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics.

Message From Pedro Should I Respond?

This is the message I received from Pedro from his blackberry last night:

Hi Orville,

How’s it going stranger?  Haven’t heard from you since we had coffee, on Church St.  Hope all is well with you.

Big Hug!

Keep in touch.

I don’t know what to do? Why does Pedro want me to keep in touch? Why? Pedro is a nice man, I’ve known him for seven years but I just don’t want to get close too him again.  Pedro has never done anything to “hurt me”. He has always been very positive, kind, affectionate, but at the same time he has also been aloof.

Maybe I am to blame? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just tell him that I want to be alone? I am single, I have so many personal issues going on in my life right now. I have to fix myself first before I can even be a “friend” to somebody else.

There is a reason I am in cognitive behavorial therapy and the reason is due to my anxiety.

Pedro is like a warm blanket, he is someone I am very comfortable around but I am attracted to him. Pedro is so handsome. I can’t believe he is fifty six because he doesn’t look like it! Pedro is strong, masculine, powerful, sexy. Pedro’s lips are just beautiful.  I have to keep my distance from him.

Pedro has a huge cock his dick is probably about eight and a half to nine inches.

However, I want to meet new men and women and  have new experiences. I think I am tired of gay men. I am tired of the lying, bullshit, mind games. I am also tired of the “let’s be friends after we fucked, kissed, had a relationship for a couple months” crap.

I don’t want to go back into my past. The reason I am in therapy is I am learning to develop strategies to “meet” people “outside” of the sexual arena of the bars, bathhouses, and clubs. I know I am not ready for a relationship and that’s why I am not looking for one.

My main focus right now is on myself.  I have contacted a few gay organizations in Toronto and I am going to see if I can join some gay male support groups. I am also received a phone call from from a woman on Thursday about psychotherapy. Unfortnately, the gay male therapist therapy sessions are at the exact same time I have lectures.

I don’t want to fall for for Pedro again. I know he sees me as his “friend” but he’s my ex.  He is a good person though. It’s just that I don’t want old feelings to surface. The most important question I ask myself is this: “what am I going to get out of being his friend?”

Pedro and I had a relationship not a long one but still there was something there. I have to admit, I am culpable I should not of seen him on Church Street for my birthday. Anyway, I’ve got school to focus on. I have to think about my future. I can’t worry about Pedro. I also got other issues going on right in my life.

Morrissey Collapses On Stage During Concert!!!

Morrissey

Morrissey collapsed tonight during the very first song at a concert  in Swindon England. Yes I know Morrissey is fifty years old but I am still surprised. I think he needs to be a bit more careful with his touring schedule. I think this is surprising because Morrissey is so healthy. He is anti drugs, he is also a strict vegetarian and he is so physically fit.  According to the media reports, Morrissey is ill  due to respiratory issues and he is in stable condition. I wish Morrissey a speedy recovery. I love you Moz!!!

Update: The UK press have reported Morrissey is in stable condition. Morrissey has been released from the hospital. Please get well Moz!!!

New Rules For Posting Comments On The Blog

I enjoy reading the  comments on my blog .

However, I will NOT post comments on the blog that are racist, sexist, or homophobic.

If you don’t have to agree with my opinions that’s fine.

Please refrain from using scatological language that’s unacceptable.

If you want to make a comment on anything I post that’s great.

The vast majority of the comments from readers whether positive or negative are very mature and well written.

Janis Is A lesbian She Kisses Her Girlfriend On ABC’s Flash Forward!!

lesbian kiss flash forward 2

lesbian kiss flash forward

I think it’s wonderful that ABC has an intelligent, lesbian, character Janis on ABC”s Flash Forward. Janis and her girlfriend Maya are gorgeous!

I counted three kisses this is great for television. Check out Flash Forward on Thursday nights at 8:00pm. I am impressed with ABC. On the third episode of Flash Forward we saw the first Asian/Black female interracial couple on North American television.

Update: Some people are complaining that the writers “forced” the lesbian romance on to the TV Viewers. What do you think?

In one scene Maya calls a heterosexual male a “douche” because he asked Janis out. However, maybe Maya was just jealous? Some people are saying the episode promotes negative stereotypes of lesbians. I don’t think Maya is anti male, she was threatened when the straight man asked Janis out on a date. Also, why can’t lesbians be feminine, modern, sexy, stylish, and beautiful?

Poem: Common Ground By Orville Lloyd Douglas

It was either passion or purgatory

Ecstasy or rage

Blood or tears

We were on opposite continents

The violence of your seismic outbursts  erupted like lava

Your rage was irrational, yet erratic like an alcoholic in a drunken stupor

Yet there was something peculiar and opaque

Something hidden, something distant

Too  foreign and too different

You spoke another language that I could not decipher

You talked about your culture that was like an alien life form

It was in a galaxy one million miles away

I wanted to give you my life jacket

Yet you were drowning trying to flee your demons

I dreamed there was something tangible

While you smoked your life away

As you choked on your pain

Vomiting from the disgust you have with your own reflection

Cognitive Behavorial Therapy Video Tape Session Review

camh

Today I returned to the cognitive behavorial therapy after a two week break. The reason we had the two week break is because in Canada Thanksgiving was last week Monday. During today’s therapy seassion, we reviewed the video tapes of our conversations and had to fill out questionnaires. I thought my video taped session with another patient went well. I noticed that I wasn’t talking as clearly as I would have hoped. I guess this was due to my anxiety.

The ideology of the video taped session is for actually see ourselves on video and to understand our feelings. One of the things Dr. Beaman discussed was “automatic thoughts” and how to challenge these thoughts. Dr. Beaman asked us ” what are the “automatic thoughts” going through our minds when we are anxious?” I thought during my video taped session that I maintained good eye contact with the other patient during our discussion.

Nikolay Davydenko Destroys Rafael Nadal 7-6 6-3 In The Shanghai Masters Final

Nadal loses to Davydenko!!!

Nikolay Davydenko of Russia defeated Rafael Nadal of  Spain 7-6 6-3 to win the Shanghai Masters today. Davydenko also defeated Novak Djokovic of Serbia in the semifinals yesterday. Davydenko also crushed Nadal 6-4 6-2 in the Miami Masters final last year.

Davydenko is a consistent top ten player, but he has never advanced beyond the semifinals of a grand slam. Nadal has a 4-3 edge against Davydenko but the Russian proves once again he is a legitimate top player. I wish  Davydenko believed in himself a bit more. I think Davydenko can definitely win a grand slam he has the talent, speed, power, and fitness. I hope this victory over Nadal will give Davydenko the confidence to believe he can beat the other top players.

Worked Out At Good Life Fitness Twice This Week

Goodlifelogo

Well I am starting to get back into the groove. I am continuing my homework for cognitive behavioral therapy by conducting exposures. I am now noticing nobody cares about me at the gym and that’s a good thing! My anxiety is decreasing. Everyone at the gym is focused on themselves. I admit sometimes I do get self conscious but after a few minutes my anxiety decreases.

I worked out twice this week at Good Life Fitness. I have a gym membership so I might as well use it. I worked out Tuesday afternoon and again today. I feel good. I understand getting into  supreme physical shape will take some time a couple of months. I feel my endurance is increasing. I am also cognizant that I must change my diet. I will have to remove all sugars, and probably remove carbohydrates from my diet as well.

I don’t like “working out” to be honest. However, I also realize in order to live a healthy life I have to make my body stronger. I worked out on the treadmill this afternoon for forty minutes. According to the treadmill, I burned 510 calories! Next, I went on the cycling machine for an additonal fifteen minutes! I know I have to start lifting weights. I know this might sound strange but I don’t like lifting weights.

Should I Ask Pedro If He Still Has Feelings For Me?

I received a text message Sunday evening from an ex of mine Pedro. The text message said ” have a happy Thanksgiving and lots of hugs”.

In July, Pedro sent me another text message “I certainly don’t hear from you at all Orville.”

I didn’t know what to say? I didn’t respond to his text in the summer.

I know Pedro cares about me and I care about him. I just don’t know if I am in love with him anymore? I feel like what Pedro and

I had is in the past. I feel like that part of my life is over. When I first met Pedro I was young, naive, and very emotional.

I just thought the text message was weird. I feel like Pedro wants a connection with me but he doesn’t want to get “too close” to me.

I also feel like I don’t want to get too close to Pedro either.

I don’t call Pedro because I don’t want to go back to 2002.

The sex was pretty good. How can I possibly forget that?

I have to say Pedro is probably one of the best lovers I have ever had in my life!

Pedro was a very attentive,  tender, sensitive, lover.

But sex isn’t everything that’s for sure. A relationship can’t just  be based  on sex.

I also don’t want to hurt Pedro’s feelings I really do care about him as a person.

Pedro says we are now “friends” but I don’t see Pedro as a “friend” I see

him as an “ex boyfriend”. People always “gasp” when I tell them that Pedro is fifty six but so what? Age is nothing but a number right?

Why didn’t Pedro simply call and say happy Thanksgiving? I don’t understand him?

I remember a few years ago Pedro suggested that I can “moving in” with him.

I said “no I can’t do that.”

Pedro is gorgeous though, he definitely doesn’t look fifty six. Pedro is a strong man, he’s in excellent physical condition, beautiful smile,

he has beautiful black hair, a nice golden tan. Yes Pedro is a hunk!

There is another side to Pedro, he’s kind of mysterious. The reason we didn’t work was because I felt he wasn’t honest with me.

The reason why I broke it off with Pedro is I felt he was constantly lying to me.

Maybe Pedro is lonely or something or he is in some dry spell?

I felt like Pedro wouldn’t open up to me about his inner most thoughts, his feelings, and emotions.

The best way to describe Pedro is he  looks similar to Antonio Banderas except Pedro is Portuguese and not Spanish.

Anyway, Pedro is also fifty six he’s turning fifty seven in December so there is a twenty four year age gap between us.

Pedro has always been very nice to me, he has always encouraged me, and been very positive towards me.

The last time I saw Pedro was on September 21st we met on Church Street to celebrate my birthday.

I care about Pedro, but I am not sure exactly what he wants?

Maybe Pedro was simply being nice?

Maybe Pedro just wants to be a part of my life ?

Although I personally don’t believe a person can really be “friends” with an ex but that’s my personal opinion.

I have fond memories of the time I shared with Pedro we dated about seven years ago.

Pedro has always kept in contact with me and he is a very nice man.

But at the back of my mind I wish he was younger. I wish Pedro wasn’t fifty six, I wish he was in his early thirties. I wish he was

just a bit younger maybe then we could have started a life together.

Pedro is divorced, he has two adult aged children and I think he’s still having problems with his ex wife.

I think I would make a serious move on him if was younger. But then I think age is just a number. Does age really matter?

Does it really matter that Pedro is fifty six? Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing? Or maybe I am using Pedro’s age as an excuse?

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